Help! I'm A Children's Pastor

Children’s Ministry Rules I Wish I Could Use

by admin on October 19, 2009

socks

Most of us write up and use pretty basic rules for Children’s Church: Don’t talk, keep your hands to your self, participate, limit bathroom use, blah, blah blah. I’m finding that those just aren’t cutting it these days. There are so many issues that the basic rules just don’t cover. I suggest we add the following to our policies and procedures manuals immediately!

Rules I Wish I Could Use:

For Kids

  • You shall not turn your Sunday School papers into airplanes or roll them into weapons.
  • If we have drums, you are not allowed to play them. Ever. If you do we will cancel your next birthday.
  • Do not groan after my movie video clip illustration is over.
  • The answer to every question I ask is not “God”.
  • Please thank your parents on our behalf for buying you a cell phone… right after you tell them you lost it.
  • Knock, knock jokes are banned for life.
  • Understand this: Even though I don’t have your birthday and age memorized… I still love you!
  • Please tell your friends we have bibles and coats here at the church… free gifts from all of you who have left yours here.
  • Nobody stole your socks.
  • Please stay completely still and quiet during worship but move around and talk as much as you want during the sermon.
  • Prayer requests are not a chance to tell a story.
  • If your grandmother is dead… there’s really no reason to pray for her… again.
  • Offering goes in the plate… not in the coke machine after service.
  • Please explain to we leaders how you fit all that stuff in that tiny pink purse.
  • Keep your dangum shoes on girls!

For Parents

  • Parent’s are required to get angry when they arrive late for check-in. We’re only open for an hour after all… only 30 minutes shorter than the service itself… I’d be angry too!
  • Parent’s must pick up their children within 15 minutes of the end of service. Those who don’t will have their children given to someone who will raise them properly.
  • Deadlines apply to everyone… except you. You’re special.
  • Please don’t act like you’re doing us a favor my dropping off your child. It’s not a problem for me… but some of these folks feel a little under appreciated when you act that way.
  • By all means, fill up a van full of kids, bring them to church and then refuse to volunteer!
  • Offering goes up one dollar for every minute you are late to church.
  • Those papers we send home… they’re useful… and not just as replacement floor mats in the minivan.
  • I know your kid is perfect… like you… but we still need him to stop stabbing others.
  • Thanks for your donation… but the homeless don’t like cans of pepper hulls either.

For Volunteers

  • If you’ve been sick since Wednesday, please wait to call in till Saturday night or (even better) Sunday morning just before service. For a bonus, do it via facebook!
  • Children’s Ministry is probably not the best place to work off your community service hours.
  • You can pass a background check… but if you smell funny, I’m not going to approve you to work with kids. It’s called mercy.
  • Volunteers who call in sick for the Super Bowl will have the kids from their abandoned class delivered to their home in time for the game.
  • Yes, random church member with an agenda, I’d love to create a class wrapped around your goat farm.
  • Please hold all important, drama-filled conversations until right before service starts. Preferably while I’m trying to get PowerPoint to work.
  • All scary looking relatives of yours are automatically cleared to sit through kids church. Since you asked me with them standing right there so I couldn’t say no. I’ll be sure to send a couple of mine over to watch you sleep tonight in return.
  • If you’re going to read right out of the curriculum, at least hold the book right-side up.

Do you have any of your own rules we should add? Put them in the comments!

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Brent October 19, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Come on! Where are the rules for Senior Pastors and other staff members? For example: "If I have to be at every church-wide event, then you'd better be at VBS!"

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nlcast October 19, 2009 at 11:35 pm

That's great stuff! I may have to do a second round!

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Tammy Jones October 19, 2009 at 5:09 pm

How funny and how true. I love these!

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Lynne October 20, 2009 at 7:24 pm

Parents and volunteers: Please call and ask me what time an event starts. Especially after I have sent it to you in a newsletter, listed it in the church bulletin, announced it on Sunday for the last month, put it on the church sign, sent it in an email, posted it on the church website, and put it on fliers which are posted all over the church and sent home with everyone!

Parents, if you're going to yell at me, PLEASE do it in front of everyone at church on Sunday. Make sure there are plenty of other parents and volunteers and kids around to witness it.

Kids, ALWAYS try to talk to me all at once, when I'm super busy. Don't try to wait your turn. Make sure you crowd around and interrupt each other and pull on my sleeves, too. And it's not just for the kids. Parents, keep this rule in mind too.

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Andrea*B November 5, 2009 at 11:54 am

Its so funny…. We asked our 4th and 5th graders what the rules at church should be and we were surprised to find them giving us answers and rules that frankly some of them were the key people already breaking these rules in our services: no talking, being respectful, having a good attitude….. it was very ironic!

thanks for posting this, I was a grumpy worker today. Its nice to be reminded that I am not alone.

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Lynne Payne November 5, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Last night we had another prayer request to pray for someone’s grandma who’d been dead for 5 years… made me think of this blog post and laugh. Sorry kids.

Have you ever had a preschooler accidentally pray TO the dead grandparent?! aaahhh.

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msjanet November 15, 2009 at 5:36 pm

totally funny, completely true!!!

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Leigh March 25, 2011 at 1:59 am

Having taught kids at church for over 10 yrs, I had to laugh when I read your rules!!! We also have a rule that we must pray for all the dead pets as well….all of them, that we have ever had….sorry kids ;)

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admin March 25, 2011 at 2:25 am

And long dead grandmas.

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suzi f July 29, 2012 at 4:54 am

sooo funny….sooooo true.:)

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Brittany Cottle February 3, 2010 at 11:48 am

This was so funny. When I ask for prayer request I say this is not story time.

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